i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
