First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i came on her dog
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
