The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
