my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
