I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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