She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
