I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
