I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
