god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
