Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
