There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
