If that was your dad, he is hot
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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