4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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