Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
