Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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