Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
