Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
