Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
