Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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