the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
