Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
