remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
