He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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