so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
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I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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