Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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