Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My sheets look like a crime scene.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
