her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
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why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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