that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
