He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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