Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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