I think I won the penis lottery.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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