Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
