You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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