saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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