Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
