i love accidental penises.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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