the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
