sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
