I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
