I hate all girls vehemently.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
