So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
