I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I party with great urgency now.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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