i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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