I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
