I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I intend to get homeless drunk
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
