How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Come share oat with me in your robe
Randomize
