Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
