you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
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it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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