Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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