im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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