I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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