i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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