I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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