I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
