that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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