he wants to bone in the snuggie
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
