Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
