I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
