Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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