Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
