Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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